Insane , Maniac
looser or a jack
call me whatever you want
blabber, go away or stay.
My love is calling me again.
I am hitting the road.
I have a few penny or sum grands
your consent or a plain reject
My heart's loud cheer or The world's criticism
nothing would affect.
Nothing would hit the inner bang
that calls me back
that calls me on the roads
I aint no man, no women infact
today let me just be the vagabond I'd been in my dreams
Im gonna live my dream
I am on my feet
I am hitting the road!
Love is an over hyped Illusion.You create a world which never would be real. and most of the time , are lost in that concocted world.
He shattered my world. not only my dream world. he distorted my reality as well. My hatred for 'love' has surpassed my 'love' for him.Now It's a derogatory feeling, by mere mention of my feelings for him, I sink deeper in guilt.They say, one never repents after loving somebody. I say, one gains nothing more than just the pleasure of sight, rush of adrenaline, some unnecessary smiles and infinite unreciprocated moments. That's why I hate love.
I was too much into him that I helped him distort my reality, my sanity, the innocence of my thought, my uncrafty smiles. I let him be the parasite, feeding on my love struck heart. I let him suck out life out of my system. it was only him residing in the head. Like a master who aspired to be pleased, entertained, to be given wealth of moments and emotions, which he could kick at his own free will. I allowed all that, consiously delighted.
So, my hatred for him is nothing even close to my hatred for myself. My own bloody self.so, I've planned my end. a cold blooded Suicide, one might call it. But it'll be gradual. piercing slowly, very slowly, taking out every single drop of blood.
No Blood. No Heart.
finally, No heartbeat.
Closure.
No longer I believe in your mesmerising eyes, which hinted amore
No longer I feel your undone touch, your holding my hand which I thought asked me not to go
No longer I hear those unsaid words which told me you missed me much more than I thought
No longer I sense you walking beside me on the toes, when I feel lone
No longer I reside in the warmth of your embrace, which never let me weep
No longer I dream of you and me, hand in hand walking by the sea
No longer I find you in front of me, when my heart beats to get a glimpse of you
No longer I find you kiss away my tears, which now just dry away
The you:who never said a word, who never hugged me tight, whose heart never skipped a beat thinking of me, who never held my hand n walked me through
you who could only be the recepient
I never wanted to
but I guess, Im over you!
There is this one time, when you are absulotuly sick of the world around.
when people look upto you for motivation and energy and wat you can give them is nothing more than the fake words of wisdom, once proclaimed as shit by you! Your hug doenst even carry the same warmth it used to, for its exhausted. exhausted of gettin rejected.
You avoid every single body, not because you develop the popular inferiority complex( no one develops it, its just the 'popular opinion' pressure playing the game. Take my words, the day you develop that, you are dead. DEAD), but because they might infuse in some positivity, the energy , the optimism which has been missing from ages. How all of a sudden you would cope with it. You'v always believed its only you who can infuse all those things, how could you let anybody peep inside of you.
When the place of your work, where in the past you fuelled enthusiasm and creativity, starts to act as a human and you become the leech sucking on it, taking out optimism, laughter. Your collegues develop a dislike for you , not that you bitch about, but you don't utter a word( hell with them, if somebody says people understand, o they give a shit)
You realise, all the NO'S you avoided to say to people so that they don't feel bad, come back to you. Amplified.
On seeing a red cross van, your heart pounces hard, your grandpa appears right infront of you, you want to scream. cry out loud. you just can't for tears reject to fall. You fear crying,for you might be given sympathy. You might again have to turn to Friends. People , I generalise. The care, you d been longing to get, translates into sympathy which you hate more than the world.
When the romance inside you have been kicked so hard, by yourself ofcorse (the other one had given his verdict long back only) that you hate the nights when you fall asleep, because all the dreams you'd remember would be of him.
Believe me. It's your mother's lap that helps. The way she unfurls you.The way she infuses life in you. The way she asks your tears to flow out, the pain along. The way she combs your hair with her fingers to make the insomniac you fall asleep. The way she wakes up the love in you. and the way She asks papa to join in, who s been waiting for long.
How his 'our faith never shakes in you, give a shit to the world' lights up your eyes. How you just want to cry in his arms, because his embrace would empower yours.
Your grandmom wakes up from her sleep to remind you of your grandfather , whose Favorite child you were.
and your sibling laughs at your most pathetic joke (ofcorse after cracking it and claiming it to be his own).
You win over the rotten you!
Why do I click..
Because I have a photographic memory. O no, not that whatever goes doesn’t come out ever , but because partially my memory is made up of the pictures I have seen. I see them so often ,in the hope of giving shape to what people call as memories.
There are things like the first kiss, the first standing ovation, the first speech, the first award, the first compliment ,the last goodbye, the last exam , the last ride with him/her.
Things , which are special, by the popular public opinion. Many of my friends get jitters on restating them , they say its because that particular moment is imprinted hard on their mind, but I v always wondered aint they reliving the popular opinion associated with it.
I mean , you think about a compliment, and a smile comes up, or think about eve teasing , may be, its rage then. Well, whatever, my point is, I do have a memory of all of them , not as moments, but as pictures.
I, many a times donot recall the jubilation, the sadness , the excitement or the gloom inherent in a situation I have been a part of. Yeah, Event I may remember though.Is that called living in the moment!! Literally I do!
Iv miserably failed on many occasions, when people say iv choosen a wrong direction for my career ,or may be This was just not meant to be , try sumthing different. Like everybody, I feel bad, My heart burns , there is an arrow piercing hard. But even that piercing is for the moment.I forget and I am into my world again.
My flame, (Im blushing at this moment) how so ever apart he is, is intact In my heart. Literally and figuratively. Figuratively, well you could have guessed, but literally because of the pictures I have of him. The time Iv spent with him is intact as well, because I made sure, a lot of the moments , I live them repeatedly so that they ensure their place right deep inside.Just a quick thought, the concept of Facebook’s display picture aint, that the same. When ever you see anyone’s DP, it a quick recall of the emotion associated with him. Great, I ain’t alone. Anyways, like with everything I don’t remember how it feels on seeing his picture every time, but every time on seeing his picture I smile , I experience it. So it’s the smile I can recall. And that’s what I do with situations now, almost all.
Like the other day, I got my first paycheck and the sheer bliss it caries along, one can imagine. And now , only after a few days , I can’t get jitters of that situation , I got then. But yeah, I have seen myself through my eyes, smiling like a clown and that was when I clicked myself. And that picture is inside of me. And the similar thing with my parents , relatives, I clicked that moment so that it s saved in. and I try and relive each moment again n again, so that it doesn’t wash out. People say, if something is meant to be, it stays. Hell with what they say, because I have made things stay. Good or bad. The pictures I have of them , clicked by my mind simply rejects to get faded.
And that is the reason everything hear about death, It’s my grandpa who pops up. I donot remember a lot of things I did with him, but have made my memory of all everybody says and the pictures my mind has clicked of the moments with him. I refuse to let the picture of his last ritual fade away, when I was sitting holding his hand , foolish people called him dead, but the coldness ( which I cannot recall as of now) still left a warmth.
Looking at another dimension of it, I disagree with a lot of people on the concept of beauty, on the perception of beauty , I would say. Photographs help me capture them my way, and in a way, reinforces my idea of it. And if I generalize , It somehow helps me justify my symbols of life this way.
Pictures help me read Life.
Pictures let me live the romance of life
Pictures help me deal with the sacrifices and the gloom
Pictures, for me, are speaking , living, beings in themselves,
Telling a tale, Every time.
There's so much to me, partially veiled
Inside, I ain't numb as yet.
I aint completly wrong, not entirely rotten.
I too have shades of white.
There's alot of positivity,courage and adventure,
and I too am loaded with enthusiasm!
There are places in my heart, content and lively.
I still am left with a lot of love, for myself.
It is dark inside, not because of lack of shades,
but every color has been absorbed within.
It's only when I spent time with myself, I could unveil me.
Seemingly I've stepped back into my teenage,
when thinking about your flame keeps you preoccupied, the entire day.
I try to isolate my mind and you,
but from the Jampacked streets in my head, you find a way out.
Why?
when I mean zilch to you!
I'v written a verse or two for you,
and keep waitin for a song, may be, that would convey your heart.
Forget decorated words, not even replies come from you
I keep wanting for you to want somethings, atleast, That I want to share
but you don't even share your beer can!
I v been told your priorities are different.
To hell with you.
Only, if I could mean that.Anyways,
I burn and burn in anticipation
if someday all this would even come true?
Call this obsession
Call me insane,
Iv got yet another question for you,
Iv written you a thousand letters,
would you care to read if I send them to you?
You'll be out of me , Soon!
The more I try, the more you occupy me
I'm not liking the hightened romance which,
In my world, atleast, has interwined you and me.
Fairy tale romance.
I picture events , which would never occur
I blush at moments, which are mere dreams
My cloudland is angelic, the reality so sour.
So, You'll be out of me , soon!
Together, our island was just so perfect
Why did you fly to a universe Far far away
Where my reach was null,
How desperate were you to look for someone new!
New, in form, in life, in another world
You knew you were inside of me
Inside the mind, inside the heart, inside the womb
And you left us alone the ‘cold blooded you’.
You’ll be out of me.. soon!
You- The life, the sapling inside which our love planted.
You, since long, have just been in my dreams, my thoughts.
You would be with me, In form, flesh and Blood
Soon!
I had never explored this side, of
So I was waiting for this bus, with two more girls, dressed in their professional attire, two guys, and some taxis. The gals kept on looking at me and kept murmuring, n those impatient fellas passed an occasional smile every other minute.Wow! Its great being the center of attraction, I smiled in my mind, and as it always happens with me, I got smiling. Now they came a little close. ‘Hell! You invited trouble for yourself’ I said to myself, so I looked away.
I was still waiting, thinking of a friend, I had met a day before, the metro breakdown and my nephew and niece. A lot of why’s were coming in and going out randomely.and then, zzzzzzzhhhhh ddhhuuuuukk zhhzhzzh, The sound got louder and louder. Doppler Effect u c!
I could not take off my eyes from it. People who were scattered now came together, as if they were going to gang up. One of the guys was still staring, Perhaps I appeared more appealing than the petite and out of the world thing, which was approaching us. And bang on, it stopped right in front of me.
A mini, or let me say a micromini bus, stuffed with passengers to its brim, was there. I Suddenly I realized the importance and the need of population control. It seemed the bus could almost collapse , any moment and it would not get to even breathe its last breath.All this time, I had been waiting for it, how could I fit in?It was only possible if I would chop off my legs, hands and head, leave my Bags. Then my torso could fit in, Perhaps. But I had to reach Gurgaon, I was already late, I had someone waiting for me.
The conducter was calling out to us, ‘Kapa shera Kapa shera’ Loud and clear
I stepped forward, but there were people before me, pouncing on each other, pulling and fighting for a space in the jampacked and dilapidated mini bus. I stepped back, thinking that I would catch the next bus. The other well dressed ladies, even stepped back and so did one of those guys.The conducter kept asking for more people, as if he would throw off some of the passengers mid way to accommodate the hanging ones or magically the mini bus would transform into a giant size double decker.
Again, the wait started .I could feel my head go the pendulum way, to and fro, Repeatedly. The pleasant weather was breaking the monotony occasionally though.I turned to the gals to ask if the service was frequent, just then a car halted right in front of me.
to be contnd..
